Welcome to Conflict Confidential, a newsletter about conflict, relationships, and being a person.
In college I took a workshop at the local public access channel to learn how to create a TV program. I had this idea that I would host a talk show called “Talking Shit With Amy.” Basically I was going to invite friends to rag on things we noticed around our college-town. I had a lot of critiques. I was, proudly, a real hater.
I never went through with it. Either I wasn’t motivated enough or, more likely, I was too worried about what people would think. I wasn’t actually the kind of person to put myself out there like that. I didn’t have the courage or self-confidence to really commit to the bit. I didn’t want to embarrass myself.
When people are overly judgmental they tend to also judge themselves pretty harshly too.
I’m sure it would’ve been really fun though. It could’ve been a cool experiment. People probably would’ve been into it. Maybe it could’ve led to other things. Could’ve. Would’ve. Should’ve.
I try not to dwell on the misses of my past. I am focused on right now with a rough sketch of where I’m trying to go. As I keep trying new things to move from point A to an unfamiliar point B there’s been a lot of trial and error. It’s been uncomfortable. My brain, my body, often want to reject what’s happening. My brain just wants to keep me safe. When I’m trying something new it’s like “HEY, Are we sure this is a good idea? What if we get hurt? WHAT IF WE DIE?” It really is that dramatic. I can sense how it alerts my nervous system to make sure the fear vibrates throughout my body. It can be debilitating. AKA anxiety.
A strong antidote to feeling nervous is numbing out. Closing off and disengaging altogether. This way, the brain can stay safe, the body comfortable. A fortress built around it. It knows what it knows, everything it needs is already inside. Nothing can break through this wall. Ho-hum nothing to see here. It’s seen it all (within protected confines.)
When something unfamiliar comes along the brain does a quick scan. From a guarded position it will often repel. And because the brain is smart, it will also provide a reason.
“It’s not for me.”
“I can’t do it.”
“It seems stupid.”
“I see no reason to.”
As a recovering hater, it’s been interesting to have those thoughts and then shrug them off. It’s been quite an adventure of saying yes to things I’d usually avoid. Like running. I’m still not convinced it’s for me but I ran a half-marathon recently. Slowly. But I did it. I thought it would be something novel to do on my birthday and it was! I also learned a lot in the training process. I experienced putting in little increments of effort to build toward a big thing. I challenged myself to follow through on something I felt a lot of resistance towards but committed to do anyway. I felt time differently, both mentally and in my body. I gained a sense of flow, when to give more, and when to rest.
There are other yesses. Deeming something cliché but trying it anyway, and then liking it. (As a woman of a certain demographic there’s so much here...) Taking social risks and being pleasantly surprised by people. Learning about something I want to roll my eyes at and expanding my perspective. Interviewing for jobs and feeling certain about what I do and don’t want to do with my time. Moving to a place I would’ve otherwise mocked then finding the beauty in it. Considering a next move to another place I am skeptical about but staying open-minded.
Meditation is another example. I’m not going to pretend I’m an expert because I’m really not. But I fuck with it. When I hear people resistant to incorporating meditation into their lives the focus is often on the act itself. Like, the sitting quietly “doing nothing” for a long time or whatever is the most unappealing part. People just don’t wanna do it. I can see that. I once felt that way too. When I first tried it here and there it was pretty unpleasant ngl. But being skeptical and doing it anyway has proven impactful for me. Starting a meditation practice has changed how I think. The quality of my attention has sharpened. Meditating is like training for a sport. Let’s say tennis. (I don’t play tennis but I’m feeling confident about this analogy.) If we’re trying to be great tennis players we need a strong swing. So we’ll practice swinging the racket over and over again, hitting the ball in all the different ways. Eventually, the motion of swinging becomes second-nature, part of the whole experience of playing tennis. We don’t even notice it. We just do it. Then we experiment as we play with an opponent. We’re up for the challenge because we’ve put in the practice. That’s meditation, but with thoughts. Except instead of swinging at thoughts, we’re just noticing as they appear. Have the thought. Maybe experience it fully. Then let it float away. Refocus. Notice. Float. Refocus. Notice. Float. And again. It’s pretty tedious during practice. But the more often I do it, when I’m in the world I play better. I notice my thinking habits in real-time. I bring a clearer awareness to conversations. I listen better. I serve and return with more ease.
I’ve also started to trust my body to lead my decision-making. Brain be playing tricks (see above.) Brain can be manipulated by media and other external influences. But my body? She holds a different type of intelligence. I’ve been doing a lot of work lately on better understanding, healing, and processing life through my body. When I open up to new experiences my yes is coming from a deeper place. Brain is always making a million excuses. Body is about the vibes. Body knows best. If it’s no, I fully know. If it’s yes, let’s fucking go.
Of course, not all the yesses lead to epiphanies or life-altering routines. Sometimes the yes affirms my original concerns. Like the person or situation I said yes to will definitely be a hard no next time. I experience what doesn’t work. I learn what I dislike. It’s all helpful information! And I’m still discerning- I’m not just saying yes unboundaried all willynilly. But generally, when in doubt, I’m open to try the difference. The doing of something tends to feel differently than what was expected.
In my experience, the more I overcome skepticism and just try things, the more expansive life feels. Possibility seems infinite. I feel like generally practicing this low-level risk-taking has transformed me from a hard-nosed cynic to someone who’s willing to explore the unknown and be at peace with whatever the outcome. It’s good? I celebrate! It’s meh? A lesson.
We evolve as people by trying new things. Culture evolves when new ideas are introduced and adapted. Remember when airpods first came out? I do! I thought they looked stupid. Now I’m on my second pair. How’d that happen? Something shifted me from hell no to trying them out. I let go of my first impression. Norms changed.
We create our own rules. We can choose to stay stuck in our fixed perspectives, allowing a conflict to fester or being unable to see our own contribution to a negative situation, and stagnate. We can cling to preference and suffer. Or we can notice our hesitation then try another way. We can explore. We can attempt. We can do this all day every day. We can still be haters. And we can find out we are so much more than our own worst critiques.
What’re You Doing This Tuesday Evening?
I’m hosting an experimental community circle, you’re invited to be part of it.
What is this even?
It’s a chance to connect with people in a way we don’t usually get to in our day-to-day. It’s on zoom, but it’s not going to be a typical zoom meeting.
It’s something new. Be skeptical, try it anyway.
There are a couple spots still open. Your presence will make a difference.
This is designed to be a generative space for folks to experience a unique kind of supportive community. It won’t be recorded. No one will be forced to share anything they don’t want to, tho please bring your willingness to engage.
12.19.23 - 7pm ET/6pm CT/5pm MT/4pm PT
Questions welcome, just hit reply.
Hey, I’m trying new things!
…like bringing together leaders in the restorative justice movement for a two-day national virtual event this January.
This project is a tremendous undertaking and I’ve truly never been more excited about something I’m working on.
This virtual symposium is geared towards people working in the criminal legal system, but the panels on Day 1 are open to the public. If you’re even remotely curious about restorative justice YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY CHECK THIS OUT.
The lineup is fire. Speakers include:
Danielle Sered, author of “Until We Reckon” and Executive Director of Common Justice
Alex Fields, a man who chose restorative justice instead of incarceration after his brother’s murder
Restorative justice experts from incredible orgs around the country like Ahimsa Collective, Freedom Community Center, Equal Justice USA
And so many more. It’s going to be amazing. Don’t miss it.