Welcome to Conflict Confidential, a newsletter about relationships and, of course, conflict.
I recorded this idea before I wrote it. Different process than usual. Listen to a different version of this post on Spotify.
How often do we think everything would be so much better if that one person just went away?
Y’know the one.
That idiot.
They’re so annoying. Wish they would disappear.
Or those two? They suck.
Their energy is garbage.
They are just so unpleasant to be around. When they’re together it’s even worse!
It’d be so much better if they weren’t here.
I hate to admit it but when I don’t like someone I start to wish they’d disappear from my life. It’s magical thinking. I’m not wishing them ill or praying for their demise. I just want them gone. Like, shoo fly, don’t bother me. Scram.
Like seriously bro, stop harshing my mellow.
I’m talking about the people who get under my skin. People I have to be around but who irk me so much I catch myself later grumbling about them. Or, worse, they creep their way into my thoughts. My quiet moments DESTROYED by mere memory of them.
We all have that person, or those people, who exist in our lives. Bugging us. Saying or doing things that bother us. Wouldn’t it just be so much better if they’d go away.
They actually have to stay. Sorry.
It’s because they have to be here. They are part of life. In any configuration of people we are in, there will always be at least one irksome person driving us nuts. There always has been and always will be.
Like that mean girl in grade school.
Or someone obnoxious at work.
Or that neighbor who won’t give us peace at home.
There’s always one. Or at least one. And they’re always just there. Being terrible.
In any configuration of people in our lives, there will always be at least one person driving us nuts.
Instead of being angry or disappointed when we inevitably encounter such a person, we might learn to expect it.
Anticipate their existence in our psyche even.
Reserve a little mental space for them ahead of time. So when they show up, they’re not stinking up the whole place.
Let’s make a little space for them at the dinner party of all the people in our life. Obviously we’ll have the System of Support crew at the main table. Obviously. We’ll decorate and provide refreshments for our close ones. Then we’ll make sure the rest of the house is at least comfortable enough for the randos.
But we’ll reserve that porch outside, the one near the trash bins where the mosquitoes are mean, for the assholes.
We’ll know they’re around. They’re just over there, always.
Suddenly, more space frees up at the party. We’re able to connect with the people in our lives we actually value. We can even enjoy our own party, feel relaxed. Sure those people are around. But they are not our problem, actually. They’re just in their spot. Over there. Being annoying.
Real Talk Real Quick
It can be helpful to just fully acknowledge the person or people who are annoying us. We each got one. Who’s Yours? (The link is a Google Form for shit-talking. I’m a vault it goes nowhere it’s just funsies, and possibly helpful to anonymously process disdain and then let it go. )