What Happens In The Void
How we leave others to feel, how we're left feeling, and how it morphs
Welcome to Conflict Confidential, a newsletter about conflict, relationships, and being a person.
I’m a millennial who loves Gen Z and The Internet so I think about “vibes.”
I sense people’s vibes. I emit my own. We each experience and exude a vibe. It’s not random. We feel it in real-time. We feel it thereafter. Depending on the relationship or circumstances sometimes the aftervibe is short-lived, sometimes it lingers.
Mindful of the range of frequencies I hold, I strive to vibe at a smooth hum. A gentle vibration that’s pleasing to myself and those around me. I try to emanate a tone others can harmonize with. When our vibes sync it is effortless- an easy laugh, a rolling discussion, dancing sparks of ideation. Sometimes I know my vibration generates a lift. I am fueled by love and connection. And I’m high energy. So when I’m at my best, or a little excited, I’m definitely a floating vibe, skewing interactions upward. I think people like that about me.
But I’m not always at my best. I can be grumpy, or distracted. Speaking from an anxious place I can leak all over a conversation, or dominate it. I interrupt when the other person is talking. I finish sentences and am wrong 99% of the time about what was actually going to be said. I have Big Opinions. I do have good ideas, that’s just objectively true. But my ideas aren’t always right all the time in all circumstances. So when I’m inserting them into conversation I’m not as helpful as I think I am. In fact, sometimes I’m straight-up bulldozing. My high-octane vibe crowds the atmosphere.
I wonder about the vapors I might be leaving behind. In good interactions, does the energy afterward stay warm and melt into a good memory of me, of our time together? Or, in my less pleasant encounters, did I leave a person feeling uneasy?
I definitely feel what stays with me from others. I’ve started to notice how as time goes by my feelings shift. After a great hang with a friend, I can feel an afterglow. When I’ve had an interaction where I accommodated the other person’s personality more than my own I can feel my resentment brew in the days after. When I’m told something fucked up but I didn’t respond in the moment, I feel a growing anger. Then I project ire onto that person in mental confrontations they’ll never hear.
In conflict we most acutely feel the void because we fill it with our feelings. A dispute can linger in our bodies as our brains try to make sense of it. Aftervibes surround us like a cloak. In particularly challenging exchanges we feel the sting and then it morphs into other uncomfortable sensations like anger, sadness, anxiety. These after periods are like swirling steam, dissipating into the air of the experience of our lives.
What happens in this void after our interactions with one another?
How do the lingering feelings in the spaces between inform how we view the other, and ourselves?
“We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are.” -Talmudic teaching
The void is a great place to explore. Is it them, is it us, is it both?
Some questions to consider when we find ourselves in the void:
Are our thoughts mostly pinging to the other person? Do we start to characterize them and tick off all the ways they’re wrong? Are we dissecting their motivations and how they behave and and and? If so, perhaps we are... projecting? In the time we’re dedicating to focusing on them, are we maybe not looking enough at ourselves?
Or do we become fully self-obsessed replaying our actions over and over in our minds? Are we speaking kindly to ourselves? Are we reinforcing old, unhelpful habits?
Are we always right? Do we always feel justified about how we have handled things? Are we able to imagine other perspectives or is ours the sole bright one?
Do we use the same language to describe multiple people or situations? Is everyone an idiot? Do situations seem to echo one another? Do we make blanket statements? (“People suck.”)
Are we dismissive? Are we quick to make a call and then move on? Next!
Do we ever ask for honest feedback from people who really know us? Do we try to address issues or do we sweep things under a rug?
Do we make confident decisions while in the void, and then betray ourselves in the next interaction? Can we understand why that keeps happening? Can we try a new way?
How attuned are we to our own vibrations? When we are grounded and clear, we better assess. We listen more deeply. We can be more intentional about what we bring into an interaction. When we’re in key, we’re better able to influence the frequencies between us. We meet the other where they are and find a flow.
When we’re activated, when we’re not really dealing with things or taking care of ourselves*, our experience gets cloudy. We step into a fog. If we’re not aware, we can stay living in it. In fog, we flail. This fog clouds the void.
We can start to better-notice ourselves in the void. There our aftersenses can become more refined. We can observe our tendencies to become more clear about where we stand, and how we feel about people. We can better discern what actions, if any, happen next.
For example, if someone reads kind of jarring when we talk to them and in the time following we’re still irked, then we don’t need to keep talking to them. That person we resent? Maybe resentment tells us they will push our boundaries if we’re not careful so now we know to be direct when interacting with them, or stop granting them so many opportunities to interact with us. The people who constantly make us feel affirmed and loved, maybe we check in with them more often than when we just need something, share some love to spread it around more. That problem colleague? Let our smooth, humming energy guide encounters, not their weird vibe. It just may end up better for us, for them, and for the general atmosphere.
Vibes are free. We all be passing ‘em around. Shedding vibes, collecting vibes. They stick with us. We can’t force others to change their vibe. But we certainly can keep working on fine tuning our own.
*In an era where so much feels so overwhelming a lot of people are numbing out. Disassociating and numbing are not bad per se, they are our body’s brilliant tools for survival in times of crisis. But the problem is when numbing becomes habit. It calcifies into a personality, or outlook. From a numb place we are disconnected with ourselves and the world around us. People can feel that disconnection. It stifles interactions. Disconnection keeps us fragmented. Our vibes gets stuck in the cracks.
Thanks for reading. Til next time.
I am a sinner
Who's probably gonna sin again
Lord forgive me
Lord forgive me
Things I don't understand
Sometimes I need to be alone
Bitch don't kill my vibe
Bitch don't kill my vibe
I can feel your energy from two planets away