Welcome to Conflict Confidential, a newsletter on how we get into conflict and what we can do to get out. Feel free to listen to this post on Spotify. Trigger-warning: this piece mentions violence and being attacked. All names have been changed.
The email appears boldly at 11:59pm. The prosecutor on Mr. Turner’s case is working late. Unfortunately I’m also awake, fretting about getting sent out for hearings the next morning on Mr. Miller’s case. I’ve prepared my cross examination questions. I have case law for arguments. But I know there’s no way a judge will ever dismiss the case. The whole thing was caught on video and people were injured. The plea offer is terrible. Mr. Miller won’t take it anyway. So off to hearings and trial we go, surveillance footage and all.
But back to the email on Mr. Turner’s case. What does this DA want, I wonder. I open the message to find folders chock-full of disorganized digital video files. I groan. Without even opening them I already note videos of the incident from multiple angles- from a deli’s camera, from a witness’s cell phone, from a bank on the corner, and then of course dozens of clips from the body-worn cameras on the police officers who responded to the scene.
I close the email and turn off my phone. I’ve seen enough for tonight. I try to sleep, but my mind races with images of violence captured on video. In the morning I wake up exhausted.
One of the more surreal aspects of representing people charged with crimes is reviewing evidence with them.1 I am sensitive about how I share the information. My clients are entitled to see all the evidence against them, the good and the bad. Reviewing video footage together is often a turning point in my relationships with my clients. It either helps get us on the same page about how to proceed with their case. Or it creates new points of tension.
As I share footage I try to be mindful about what it might be like for people to see themselves at their worst caught on video. It’s an intimate experience. I try not to stare but I do tactfully glance over. I try to see what their facial expressions might tell me as they view. I’ve observed most people play it cool. Occasionally I’ll see a wince. Sometimes I think I notice something is going on internally with them, but then I wonder if I’m just projecting. Either way, I sit patiently. I let people take in what they need to see.
I’ve asked a few clients what it was like to see themselves do what they did on video. Manny, one of my all-time favorite clients, said “I couldn’t believe it was me!” His reactions while viewing were pretty animated. “It’s not how I remembered it all,” he remarked, shaking his head. “I swear those guys had surrounded me!” They had not. To be fair, Manny was pretty drunk when the fight broke out. When I asked Will for his thoughts, he answered “it is what it is.” Ever the cool guy that Will. And Derrick told me it was hard to watch. “I know I did what I wasn’t supposed to be doing, and I will always regret it.” Derrick said. Then he continued, “But I still think the cops shouldn’t have taken it this far.” I agreed with him. The cops had escalated the situation, Derrick’s case was way overblown. But we needed to decide if we wanted to risk if a jury would see it that way too…
Of course, sometimes people will tell me it’s not them in the video. Or the footage is not clear enough to really see who or what is going on.
Putting all that aside, what I’m asking for us to do is to think about what it would be like if we each were documented behaving at our worst and then had to really look at it. Would it change how we see ourselves?
Now I’m not condoning needing to behave a certain way because Big Brother is watching us. Nor am I saying we need more scrutiny by authorities to keep us in line. There already are too many communities in this country and around the world that are over-surveilled and over-policed. It’s not okay- government surveillance hinders people’s ability to feel free and impacts how we engage with one another.
But what I am saying is what if we held up personal cameras to our own lives? What if we could witness ourselves in action? Would we like what we see? Would we be proud of how we behave with one another? Would it influence our future actions?
Last weekend I heard my voice hit a tone I only use with my children. It’s authoritatively deep, loud, and stern, and honestly kind of harsh for a five and two year old. I sound like my mother. It’s a bit much. They’re just little kids. Unfortunately I can’t press rewind and tape over it. But what I can do is when I next direct these kids to clean up their toys I can try to say it differently. I’m the adult, I create the atmosphere in my home. So I could speak a tad calmer, maybe be more playful. I’m gonna keep this clip in mind and hopefully do better next time.
Watching What We Say
Sometimes my clients watch footage of themselves inside precincts being interrogated by detectives. This how it usually goes: something goes down and then a person is arrested on the street or in their home, or wherever. Then they’re brought to the police precinct, held there and interrogated in a small room with two-way mirrors and surveillance cameras. Rarely are people told they’re being filmed. These tend to be some of the most crucial moments in their cases, and their lives.
Detectives set the dynamics for the conversation. They might play friendly to get people to feel safe enough to talk, or it may be a long drawn out tense back and forth. People get too comfortable and kind of forget where they are (a station house) and who they’re talking to (the cops) and inevitably say too much. Sometimes the conversation turns combative and 100% of the time talking while under stress is unhelpful. Never has a conversation in one of these interrogation rooms resulted in the police saying “Y’know what? This all just seems like a misunderstanding, why don’t we just let you go.” And yet, again and again I watch people desperately plead their case, usually to their peril.2
Every single conversation we have in life might not be as serious as being questioned by police. But what if we pretended to view ourselves through a windowed mirror whenever we spoke? When we’re stressed and trying to speak with one another, could we zoom out to observe what’s actually happening? We might notice we’re speaking from an activated place, energized by our emotions. Stressed, we’re not really acting at our best.
Viewing From All Angles
I have also sat with clients watching themselves get hurt, or act in self-defense. So I recognize it would likely be quite difficult for someone to watch themselves or someone they love be harmed on video. Surviving violence then reviewing it surely adds a disturbing layer to the experience.
As we turn the camera on ourselves, what would it look like when we’re on the receiving end of painful behavior? How are we? What do we need in these moments? But what happens instead?
Shifting Dynamics
Of course, attempting to be more observant of ourselves won’t inoculate us from still behaving in ways we regret. But we might become more aware of our behavior-patterns in real time. Becoming more attuned, we might press pause on ourselves to assess what’s happening before we press play on responding. Through our imaginary screens we can view what it looks like to be in conversation with the other person. We can observe how we move amongst a group of people.
If we recognize our actions can and will impact the scene, what might we choose to do next?
I’ve started to clock how often in relationships the currency of connection is gossip. Whether at work or with acquaintances it’s stunning how often gossip arises. People just love to discuss other people. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing we know how to do. Gossip is fun.3 We bond with one another over our shared disdain for someone else. So I’ve started to zoom out. What if the person we’re discussing was watching us, would what I’m mentioning be something I’d say to them in person? Am I sharing details to help a situation, or just help this conversation? Is there something else I could say instead right now, or not say?
A friend told me about how when she got sober she also worked on removing other toxicity from her life, like talking shit about people. But it was all around her- her coworkers, her friends, etc. Her strategy? When someone would gossip she just wouldn’t respond. At all. Others would talk shit and she’d stay silent. I asked her what happened when she did that? She said people just move on and start talking about something else. Amazing how such a small shift by one person can change the direction of a conversation.
We’re All Actors
Whatever the images that may have come to mind as I wrote about my clients, recognize we’re not unlike them. We’ve all been hurt and have done bad things to differing degrees. It doesn’t make us bad people, it makes us human. Although we are often bound by the conditions of our environments, we are still people and therefore we all are capable of causing harm. And we do. We fumble, we mess up, we sometimes lose control. But we keep going. We can try to repair if we’ve done wrong. We can keep trying to do better. Our actions have a ripple effect. Every moment is an opportunity to shape a new echo.
“Every day of your lives is practice in becoming the person you want to be. No instantaneous miracle is suddenly going to occur and make you brave and courageous and true.” - Audre Lorde
So press record, observe, then act. We study our tape, and learn from what we see about ourselves. We gotta rehearse. Changing how we act takes practice! We practice to become our better selves. And we just keep the tape rolling.
Quick Plug: Times are changing. We can handle conflict without canceling one another or relying on punishment. The National Association for Community and Restorative Justice (NACRJ) advances community and restorative justice as a social movement by serving people and organizations committed to building community and addressing harm. NACRJ brings people together through national conferences, policy efforts, and training opportunities to learn from one another.
I’m on the board of NACRJ and I’m asking for your support to help fund scholarships for more people to attend the national conference. These scholarships are primarily for youth, victims and survivors of violence, formerly incarcerated people, and historically marginalized groups. Donate here.
Become a NACRJ member! Feel contact me for more info.
There are rare and specific circumstances when a judge rules certain things cannot be shared with clients in order to protect someone’s safety.
An important note: never speak to police. Always just ask for a lawyer. Always. We have the right to remain silent. Exercise that right, stay silent. Even if we’ve done nothing wrong or feel we got nothing to hide, just shh.
I linked to this Ten Percent Happier interview with Koshin Paley Ellison where about 26 minutes in he discusses the utility of gossip. He affirms how gossip can strengthen bonds and can be fun, but then I really love how he also frames the question about gossip to consider the different levels of harm it may be causing. adrianne maree brown has also suggested thinking about gossip as how what might be said outside of a group would be useful (or not) if it was brought into the group, and then adjusting accordingly.