Situating Ourselves In Conflict
Disrupting cycles of conflict when we recognize we might be stuck playing a role.
Welcome to Conflict Confidential, a newsletter about relationships and, of course, conflict. Listen to this post on Spotify.
What a time to be alive and have high-speed internet. There is major conflict in the world right now. Israel is seizing Gaza after a shocking massacre by Hamas. Ukraine is in the second year of war with Russia. Violent power struggles cripple Sudan. Armenians flee Azerbaijan in droves. So many people are suffering, dying. Grief is overflowing.
It seems like humanity is moving towards destruction. We’re avoiding learning lessons from mistakes in history.
It’s easy to despair and get stuck in despondency. Anger and blame are readily accessible, and there’s a lot to be mad about. There’s also the temptation to tune out, with good reason. Social media and news are psychic landmines- real-time images of war coupled with unsolicited opinions spike our cortisol levels again and again. Feeling overwhelmed is a new normal.
Like most everyone I am disgusted and heartbroken. And I am hopeful. I have to be. But practicing hope is hard. Hope is a discipline. Even when things feel impossible, I still have to believe it’s worth trying.
“We have made so many advances—in technology, A.I., medicine, everything except human relations,” says Palestinian scholar Sari Nusseibeh in The New Yorker. This may be true. Yet I look to find evidence for hope.
People are trying to advance human relations. Every day people are doing their best to move the needle toward good. Organizers do the hard work of change-making through relationship building. Restorative justice practitioners hold community dialogue processes for pain from real harm to transform into new ways for people to relate and hold each other accountable. Proponents offer restorative practice and community-led reconciliation processes as opportunities for repairing longstanding, historical, and current harms between peoples.1 Efforts to designate spaces for addressing our collective trauma suggests that the hard work of healing together might help us to move into less painful futures. Professional mediators and group facilitators invite people’s agency into the co-creation of new possibilities. People around the world advocate for peaceful alternatives to violence.
Work is being done. It’s slow. It’s maybe not the mainstream. But it’s not nothing. Each of us influences the future of human relations by practicing within the interactions in our own lives.
Of course, it can feel discouraging when leaders and narratives continue to coax people toward division. Positions become internalized and intractable. Rhetoric and labels undercut any potential for conflict intervention.2 The frustration inevitably boils over into violence. Pain becomes vengeance. Power through brute force fuels a seemingly endless cycle of disempowerment. People become helpless when gripped by fear, and align with the ideas they feel will keep them most safe.
Our brains are wired for survival. We process our lives by thinking in shortcuts. Whatever we need to do to survive as efficiently as possible. So it takes work to expand our thinking beyond what feels most obviously true, most familiar, most safe. But it’s this very trait in humans that often keeps us stuck in conflict. We tend to view things in simplistic terms which doesn’t help when a conflict is complex, which it almost always is.
Thinking in binaries is a type of narrow approach which can erase everything around it, says Cara Raich, a conflict adviser quoted in The New York Times.
“As with most conflicts one feels deeply and personally, a binary choice often offers the simple comfort of pro and con, or right and wrong. The magnetic power of false binaries sucks everything that it touches into that paradigm.” -Cara Raich
Trapped In The Triangle of Disempowerment
Another type of unproductive mode of conflict is what is known as The Triangle of Disempowerment. Psychologist Dr. Stephen Karpman introduced this social interaction model in the 1960s, also known as Karpman Drama Triangle, describes the dysfunctional roles people take on, and often switch between, when experiencing emotional stress from conflict. Stemming from a need to be perceived as “right” or “approved of” in our minds, or by others, we take on thought patterns which have us unconsciously acting as either a persecutor, a victim, or a martyr. Sometimes we can take on two roles depending on the situation. This triangle appears in all aspects of life - at home, at work, in social relationships, and on a global scale.
No one wants to actively view themselves as the persecutor but we all know people who always have to be right and refuse to admit being wrong. They can be argumentative, judgmental, or bossy. They typically blame or criticize the victim, or the martyr, or both. They’re rigid in their thinking and create strict rules for how things should be. They might also try to leverage conflict situations to their benefit.
Conversely, the victim feels helpless and powerless, and depends on others to solve their problems. They have a tendency to offer excuses before seeking or creating solutions. They feel oppressed and might feel self-pity or incapable so they avoid taking responsibility altogether. They often bend to the demands of the persecutor or the martyr.
Then of course the martyr wants to be helpful and even feels guilty if they don’t step in for the victim. They feel responsible for others so might override their own needs when trying to rescue people. They try to solve the problems without letting others take ownership, enabling the victim’s disempowered behaviors. The martyr subconsciously wants to be seen as a hero doing the right thing.
In these roles people feel justified and become entrenched. Operating in these positions not much can change- the fundamental issues of the conflict remain unaddressed.
There are of course ways to break out of these roles in the triangle. But the first step is recognizing when it’s happening. Noticing when we default into these fixed mindsets is an important step toward disrupting these patterns. We can start to notice too when others -including leaders and people part of communities of shared identities- get stuck in these roles too.
Our world is incredibly complex as are the conflicts. What the world needs now are more people who can expand thinking beyond binaries and categorizations. There are no easy solutions or shortcuts. Clinging to an uncompromising position will not spur resolution. We can make demands on the future we want but we also must try to be open to various simultaneous truths to better help us see a pathway forward. We can hold multiple and even contradicting beliefs if we build the muscles to do so.3 We can also choose to act despite uncertainty of the outcome. Let’s at least try interrupting the repetition of unproductive cycles. Let’s break free from our conflict patterns. It takes a lot of work. It is difficult and slow. And it is our only hope.
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless yet be determined to make them otherwise.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald
Let’s Come Together
In my last newsletter on Systems of Support I asked if people would be interested in joining an experimental Circle of Support and you folks responded! So I’m going to try this.
I’m hosting the first Conflict Confidential Circle of Support on Tuesday, December 19 at 8pm ET / 7pm CT / 6pm MT / 5pm PT on Zoom.
I chose to do this in December because this time of year can sometimes feel fraught. It could be nice, even helpful, to connect with others between holiday festivities&obligations.
If we know each other, cool, if we don’t, even better. Come one, come all.
I’ll send a reminder leading up to it but please Save The Date and REGISTER TODAY.